Diving a Little Deeper.

I'm warning you now, this isn't gonna be a light, 5 second post. This is deep... 

Everyone has their own unique life story, and I think I've finally come to a point where I can share it with you guys, even though there's not that many of you... I'm getting there! 

I'll start with the very beginning. My mom got raped, and then got pregnant with me. By one of my moms friends in high school. She had stayed out to late, and my grandparents locked her out of the house,so she drove back to stay at her friends house. Well he basically trapped her there for like 3 days. Letting her go to work, but making sure he was there as soon as she got off. On the 3rd night or so she waited for him to fall asleep and took her keys, but she already knew she was pregnant. 

A lot of her friends weren't aloud to hang out with her anymore, some just chose not to. Cause back in 1994 it wasn't as acceptable for 17 year olds to just be pregnant. {I don't believe it is now, but teenage pregnancy is a growing thing. My mom now works with a Teen MOPS group}

Well it was just me and my mom, and random boyfriends. A extremely short marriage, after he yanked my arm a little too hard. I wasn't seriously hurt at all, but she saw it wasn't a good relationship. And then she connected with this guy she'd gone to school with. I was 4 almost 5. And we moved in with him and his mom. They were in love, and all this, but I had this bad feeling. I never mentioned it to anyone though, I mean I was 5, it was just an odd feeling.
 Well one day, he was driving me down to my grandparents after school, where my mom already was, and he asked me if he could marry my mom. I told him I gave him my permission, although I really wanted to say no, he made my mom happy and that's what I wanted. (Angel child, *cough, cough*) So on Feb 14th, 2003 he proposed to my mom. Who announced that she was pregnant. They got married on May 31st that year. And my wonderful little brother Jon was born on October 11th. 

Everything was going fine and stuff but every now and then, my step-dad would hit me. Sometimes it would leave a bruise, other times it didn't But it hurt more emotionally, especially cause my mom wouldn't yell at him to stop. (Which disclaimer, my mom did. It was just after I went to bed, she told me recently I didn't even hear half the fights they had.) But I didn't know that, it just felt like I had someone hitting me, when I barely did anything. Yes, I was a kid, I was annoying and broke rules. That at times may deserve punishment, but never abuse. And I knew that even then. 

And there was one time I had a bruise on my arm, and I nonchalantly showed my grandma, who asked what it was from, and I couldn't lie to her. Well this got her mad, and she told him he better never hit me again. And he didn't for a while. 

And I don't remember every time I was ever hit. I'm not sure I really want too. But there was one time maybe 4 years ago in May... that my mom had gone to a convention for Thirty-One, and I was home with my step-dad and my 3 younger siblings. And he was so lazy, so I was watching them, and cleaning. and then I did something, I don't even remember what, and he came stomping down the hall. I picked up Jo-jo, cause for one I didn't want him to hurt Jonah, and two, cause I thought if I was holding a younger child maybe he wouldn't hit me. but he just slammed me on the back. Like hard enough to pop it, but it hurt. I was sore for 3-4 days. 

That summer though I also went to a a mission trip with my youth group. It was the first week of July in 2008.  And while we were there, my youth pastors wife Jenny Clayton shared her testimony, and our testimonies weren't the same but in so many way I could feel my own life connecting to hers. And she was the sweetest woman I have ever met. So her and her husband Todd, prayed with me one of the nights and I was saved. I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't accepted God into my heart and life. 

Although after that stuff still didn't get easier. I still had to go back home. 2009 came to a stressful end. I had decided I was gonna run away. Looking back I know I was dramatic, but I wouldn't have changed it. I was all set I had a set of clothes, and money to get a hotel. I had just had enough. So I almost did I was walking down the stairs of a friends house, to sneak out the back door, when my mom showed up. I was all mad, and would barely talk to her and she grounded me. So when I got home they sat me down and said I needed to talk, I told them no. So they said they had looked up some counselors, and if I wasn't gonna talk to them then I could go see one. And because I was a brat, (I'll own up to that) I told them it would be a waste of money because I wouldn't talk to the counselor either. Right after I had said that though, my step-dad leaped up out of his chair and came running across the room and tackled me backwards in the dining room chair knocking me into the front of a china cabinet. (Nothing broke.) 

I was so mad, I got up and went into punch him, but mom stopped me and told me to get in the car. We took a drive, where she took me by the house I was conceived in. Told me the story I first shared with you at the very top. And we went and sat in a Krogers parking lot and talked everything out. So for the next year, I didn't really worry about being hit. I was better at not doing some of the stuff that would trigger him. 

But December 2010 was equally as stressful as the one prior, after my mom walked into him sitting on the computer, where he quickly closed something out. Now my mom kinda figured that he looked at stuff on the internet, they'd been together for 11 years, but right then it hit her and completely set her off. She didn't talk to him for 3 weeks. Before Christmas guys...

(Just to remind you, this was year and 3 months ago. 

So at the end of the month, I'd say the 29th... mom was doing something in her room when she came across a tape. That had been filmed in our bathroom... And it was of me. I like was in shock, but not really. That feeling... it finally, completely made sense. 

My mom was in hysterics though, I knew she felt so bad. All she could do was apologize. I knew it wasn't her fault though. So she called him at work, and told him she'd found something. And not to come home. WE had my Uncle Josh, and Tappaw come change the door locks. She didn't call the cops for another day though. She took the time to pray about it. For this whole year we've been fully supported on my mom, whose been so strong. I couldn't have asked for a better woman in my life. And I know it's been hard on her. I mean 4 children, bills, food, working side jobs, Teen MOPS, and she's put in a lot of hard work losing a buncha of weight which I'm very proud of her for. 

 I'm also not sorry, that any of this happened to me. God wrote my life story special. I can handle anything. And I know that I can help others that have been affected by similar life circumstances. 

So, I hope you enjoyed seeing a little into my heart today.
Its a little crazy. (: